Episode 21: ADHD, Food Noise & Healing Your Relationship With Food with Kiah Paetz
Why your relationship with food is not about willpower
For many women, food becomes a constant source of tension.
There is the voice that says you should eat better.
The voice that says you have no discipline.
The voice that says you should just try harder.
And then there is the behaviour that follows. Restricting. Bingeing. Grazing. Emotional eating. Feeling out of control around food.
But what if these behaviours are not failures.
What if they are adaptations.
In a recent episode of The Self Led Woman, I spoke with Accredited Practising Dietitian and Credentialled Eating Disorder Clinician Kiah Paetz about the deeper patterns that shape our relationship with food.
Kiah specialises in supporting people experiencing eating disorders, disordered eating, food anxiety, and neurodivergence through a non diet, weight neutral approach.
Our conversation explored something many women have never been told.
Your relationship with food is not about willpower.
It is about support.
It is about nourishment.
And often, it is about compassion.
Disordered eating is often an adaptation
One of the most powerful shifts that can happen in healing your relationship with food is understanding that behaviours around food are rarely random.
They are usually trying to do something for you.
Restriction can be about control.
Binge eating can be about relief.
Emotional eating can be about comfort.
From an Internal Family Systems perspective, these behaviours are often parts of us trying to help us survive overwhelming experiences.
They are not the problem.
They are signals.
As Kiah shared in the episode, many people assume food itself is the issue. Calories. Discipline. Control.
But in practice, food behaviours often sit on top of something deeper.
Stress. Shame. Trauma. Exhaustion. Pressure. Emotional needs that have never been met.
When the focus stays only on food, those deeper needs remain unaddressed.
And the cycle continues.
Why nourishment matters more than perfection
Something that is often overlooked in conversations about disordered eating is how important basic nourishment is.
Many people who struggle with binge eating or emotional eating are actually under fuelling their bodies earlier in the day.
Skipping meals. Restricting food groups. Eating very little during the day and then feeling overwhelmed by hunger later in the evening.
When the body is under nourished, it will try to catch up.
This is not a failure of discipline.
It is biology.
Kiah explained that one of the first things she looks at with clients is whether their body is actually receiving enough food consistently throughout the day.
Eating regularly.
Eating balanced meals.
Supporting the body with protein, carbohydrates, fats, and fibre.
When the body begins to feel safe and nourished again, the urgency around food often softens.
ADHD and the hidden challenges around food
Another important part of this conversation was how ADHD and neurodivergence can influence eating behaviours.
Many people assume struggles around food come down to motivation or discipline.
But for people with ADHD, the challenge is often executive functioning.
Executive functioning is the brain's admin system.
It helps us organise tasks, plan ahead, start activities, and remember things.
Feeding yourself requires many executive function steps.
Planning meals.
Making a shopping list.
Going to the supermarket.
Preparing food.
Cleaning up.
Repeating the process multiple times a day.
When executive functioning is compromised, these steps can feel overwhelming.
Not because someone is lazy.
Because their brain processes these tasks differently.
This can lead to patterns such as:
Forgetting to eat
Struggling with meal preparation
Feeling overwhelmed by grocery shopping
Relying on convenience foods
Inconsistent eating patterns
Understanding this removes a huge amount of shame.
The issue is not character.
The issue is support.
Meeting yourself where you are
One of the most helpful ideas Kiah shared is the concept of eating based on capacity.
Instead of expecting yourself to cook elaborate meals every day, you create options that match your energy levels.
Low capacity meals might include something that takes less than five minutes to prepare.
Toast.
A wrap.
A frozen meal.
A simple snack.
Medium capacity meals might include something slightly more involved like a sandwich, salad bowl, or quick pasta.
Higher capacity meals might involve cooking something from scratch.
The goal is not perfection.
The goal is consistency.
When we meet ourselves where we are, we reduce pressure.
And when pressure decreases, many food struggles begin to soften.
Self compassion is essential in healing
One of the most painful things about disordered eating is the shame that often surrounds it.
The belief that you should have more control.
The belief that you should be better by now.
The belief that something is wrong with you.
But as Kiah reminded us, many people are far kinder to others than they are to themselves.
If a friend was struggling with food, you would likely offer empathy.
Understanding.
Patience.
But when it comes to ourselves, the voice becomes harsh.
Learning to bring self compassion into the conversation can be one of the most powerful steps toward healing.
Self compassion does not mean you love everything about your body.
It means you treat yourself with kindness.
Even when things feel hard.
Even when you are still learning.
What your body might want you to know
At the end of the episode, I asked Kiah a question I often ask my guests.
If a woman listening feels trapped in her relationship with food, and her body could speak directly to her, what would it want her to know?
Her answer was simple.
Your body deserves care.
Your body deserves respect.
Your body deserves kindness.
Your body is not the enemy.
It is the only body you will ever have.
And even when you feel frustrated with it, it is still working every single day to keep you alive.
If food has been taking up too much space in your mind, you are not alone.
Healing your relationship with food is not about discipline.
It is about understanding.
It is about nourishment.
And it is about learning to meet yourself with compassion.
