Episode 1: I Thought My Body Was the Problem

Content Note:
This podcast episode and accompanying blog post are for educational and informational purposes only. They are not intended as a substitute for therapy, mental health treatment, or medical advice. If you are experiencing distress or feel you need additional support, please seek guidance from a qualified therapy practitioner or healthcare professional.

Listen to Episode 1

For most of my life, I believed my body was the problem.

Not in a dramatic, obvious way.
Not in a way I could easily name.

It lived underneath everything. Quiet. Unquestioned.
Shaping how I ate, how I moved, how I looked at myself, and how much peace I felt in my own skin.

I didn’t trust my body.
I didn’t trust food.
And I didn’t trust myself.

I believed food was either good or bad. That the bad kind made me anxious. That if I wasn’t careful, everything would fall apart. And that if I could just get control over my eating and my body, I would finally be okay.

This episode is about how that belief formed, how it kept me trapped in cycles of restriction and bingeing for decades, and what began to shift when I stopped fighting my body and started listening to it.

Growing Up Believing My Body Needed Fixing

I had been on some form of diet since primary school. Saying that out loud now still feels confronting, but at the time it didn’t feel strange. It felt normal.

Diet culture was everywhere. Bodies were constantly commented on. Thinness was praised. Self-control was admired. Hunger was something to override. Pleasure was something you earned or punished yourself for later.

I learned early to scan my body in the mirror, especially my stomach. To weigh myself. To decide whether it was going to be a good day or a bad day based on what I saw.

Food took up an enormous amount of mental space. What I’d eaten. What I shouldn’t have eaten. Whether I needed to make up for it tomorrow. Whether I was allowed to eat more later. Constant bargaining. Constant noise.

I didn’t see this as self-destructive. It was just my routine.

When Control Turns Into a War

As I got older, the cycle intensified. Restriction led to bingeing. Bingeing led to harder restriction. More rules. More discipline. More punishment through exercise.

In Internal Family Systems, we call this a polarisation. Two parts of the system locked in a tug-of-war. The harder one pulls, the harder the other pulls back.

At the height of this, in my mid to late twenties, something deeply confusing happened. The more disordered my eating became, the more I was praised. People told me how good I looked. How disciplined I was. How “good” I was for saying no to food.

What they didn’t see was the chaos in my mind. The food noise. The pressure. The eventual snap that always came.

I genuinely believed if I could just stop bingeing, everything would be fixed. I thought the binge was the problem.

I couldn’t see yet that the restriction was creating it.

The Moment I Knew Something Was Wrong

One morning, after weeks of extreme restriction and intense workouts, I woke at four a.m. and drove into the city to go for a long run in the dark.

I was trying to burn off a binge. Trying to outrun the shame I felt like I was drowning in.

And as I ran, I started crying.
And I said out loud, “I fucking hate myself.”

That was the moment I knew I needed help.

I went back to therapy. I did everything “right.” I gained insight. I understood my patterns. But the war with my body didn’t end. A part of me still believed control was the answer.

What I didn’t yet understand was that emotional eating isn’t logical. And it can’t be fixed with another plan, another set of rules, or more discipline.

There was something underneath all of it that wanted my attention.

When Everything Began to Shift

Years later, after a long healing journey, something finally softened.

I began to see how aggressive I had been towards myself. How violent my inner critic was. How my body had been trying to protect me from something I wasn’t ready to feel.

Food had been a strategy.
A form of regulation.
A solution for a nervous system that didn’t feel safe.

And one morning, after a profound healing experience, I stood in front of the mirror and didn’t scan my body. I didn’t criticise it. I didn’t tell myself I needed to fix anything.

I cried.
And I said, “I am so sorry for every mean thing I’ve ever said to you.”

That wasn’t a moment of being “healed.”
But it was the end of the war.

What This Means for You

If food feels loud in your life.
If you’re constantly negotiating with yourself.
If you’re trapped in cycles of control, guilt, and relief.

There is nothing wrong with you.
And there is nothing wrong with your body.

What’s missing isn’t willpower.
It’s a felt sense of safety.

This episode sets the foundation for everything that follows. We’ll explore emotional eating, the nervous system, trauma, and the parts of you that learned to cope in the only ways they knew how.

Because this was never really about food.
And it was never really about your body.

And if that’s true for me, it may be true for you too.