Self-Sabotage: Why You Keep Holding Yourself Back (Even When You Know Better)
You’ve read the books. Listened to the podcasts. Maybe even worked with a coach or therapist.
You know what you want—or at least, you know you’re meant for more.
So why does it still feel so hard to get out of your own way?
Why do you procrastinate when it’s finally time to launch the thing?
Why do you shrink when you’re ready to be seen?
Why do you go quiet, play small, or abandon yourself… just when things are starting to pick up?
If this sounds familiar, you’re not broken.
You’re not lazy.
And no—you don’t “just need more discipline.”
What you’re experiencing is self-sabotage. And through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, it makes perfect sense.
What Self-Sabotage Actually Is (And Why You Do It)
From an IFS perspective, self-sabotage isn’t random—it’s protection.
It’s a younger part of you who doesn’t yet trust that it’s safe to be visible. To succeed. To be seen in your truth.
That perfectionism? It's not because you’re obsessive. It’s because a part of you is terrified of judgment.
That scrolling spiral or “productive” procrastination? It's not laziness—it’s a firefighter part keeping you away from risk.
That voice saying “who do you think you are?” right when you’re about to send the email, raise your rates, or post online?
That’s your inner critic. And she’s been doing her job for a long time.
How Self-Sabotage Shows Up in High-Achieving Women
Even the most accomplished women sabotage in ways they don’t realise. Here's how I see it show up most:
You get a wave of energy about a new idea… then second-guess it until the spark dies out.
You tell yourself you’ll “wait until it’s perfect” to launch, post, or move.
You scroll for hours convincing yourself you’re researching.
You delay setting boundaries or speaking up—then beat yourself up for not being authentic.
You keep over-giving at work or in relationships, even though you’re burnt out and resentful.
You hear yourself say “I should be grateful” when deep down, you’re deeply unfulfilled.
These aren’t character flaws. These are survival strategies that your nervous system learned a long time ago—and IFS therapy gently helps you update the system.
Why Willpower Isn’t the Answer
You can’t affirm or hustle your way out of self-sabotage.
Because the part of you doing the sabotaging actually believes it’s keeping you safe.
Until that part feels seen, understood, and supported by your Self… it will keep doing its job.
That’s why IFS therapy doesn’t try to force change. It helps you build trust with the part of you that’s hitting the brakes.
Breaking the Cycle: How IFS Helps You Heal Self-Sabotage
IFS therapy works because it doesn’t label any part of you as bad. It helps you:
Identify your self-sabotaging parts
You’ll learn to recognize when a part is taking over—and begin to see the patterns as protective, not shameful.Understand their motives
You’ll start asking: What is this part afraid would happen if I succeeded? If I showed up fully?Unburden the fear they’re carrying
Many of these parts are still stuck in childhood or past experiences. IFS helps them release the belief that it’s not safe to be seen, loved, or successful.Create internal harmony
When your parts no longer feel like they’re at war, you stop resisting yourself. Your nervous system starts to trust the expansion.Take aligned action—from Self
That’s when things get real. You begin to move, speak, and show up—not from pressure, but from clarity and inner leadership.
You’re Not the Problem—Your Parts Just Need New Roles
The part of you that’s procrastinating? She’s not lazy.
She’s scared.
The part that picks a fight with your partner the night before something big? She’s not dramatic.
She’s just trying to keep you safe from disappointment.
IFS therapy invites you to meet these parts with compassion instead of judgment—and when you do? Everything changes.
Self-sabotage doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you.
It means there’s a part of you still holding on to the belief that it’s safer to stay small.
But you don’t have to live your life in resistance.
You don’t have to keep circling the same self-doubt.
You don’t have to abandon your potential just to feel safe.
Through IFS, you can break the cycle—not by overriding yourself, but by building a new relationship with the parts of you that are ready to heal.
Because when every part of you is on board?
You stop sabotaging.
And you start expanding.