I Got Married. Here’s What I’ve Learned About Love, Healing, and Choosing Again

People often say, “When you know, you know.”
And while I did know when I met him, what I also know now is that real love isn’t about finding the right person. It’s about learning how to be the right person once you’re in it.

When I meet people talking about their relationships, I often find myself with nothing to add to the complaints. Not because I’m pretending, but because I’m genuinely happy.
The man loves to vacuum.
He cooks.
He plans date nights without being asked.
He just wants me to be happy, and honestly, he makes it pretty easy to love him.

But here’s the truth: it didn’t come easy.
And I’m proud of that.

This isn’t a story of “I did the work and then he showed up.”
It’s a story of continuing to do the work inside the relationship.
Because you can do all the healing in the world, read the books, do the therapy, meditate, regulate, but that’s kind of like sitting for your learner’s permit.
It’s when you actually get into the relationship that you learn to drive.

Being loved well doesn’t mean the work ends. It just gets real.

The Journey That Changed Everything

Before our first date, I did a psychedelic journey that cracked something wide open in me. It didn’t show me something I didn’t already know, it confirmed what I’d been learning through years of inner work.

One message came through loud and clear:
There are two types of men, nice guys and good men.
A nice guy will tell you what he thinks you want to hear.
A good man will tell you the truth. He’ll have integrity. He’ll stand by it.

That truth landed deep in my body, and it shifted how I dated, how I trusted, and how I said no.
Because when you understand the difference, it becomes so much easier to walk away from anything that doesn’t feel completely aligned.

It’s not about being guarded or cynical.
It’s about trusting yourself, and being discerning enough to recognise who’s a good man and who’s just performing goodness.

The Work That No One Sees

Inside this relationship, I’ve had to keep meeting myself over and over, especially the parts I used to avoid.
The controlling part.
The people-pleaser.
The part that shuts down or tries to fix instead of feel.

It’s been confronting to see those parts surface in moments of closeness. But this time, instead of hiding them, I’ve been able to meet them. Because when you’re with someone who can hold space for your mess without trying to fix it, it gives you a safe place to land.

He loves me anyway, even with the parts I don’t always love in myself.
And in that safety, those parts soften. They learn new roles. They stop acting from the old template.

What I Thought I Wanted vs. What I Actually Needed

For years I said I wanted someone who was “doing the work.”
But what I’ve learned is there’s a big difference between someone who talks about the work and someone who lives it.

He’s not quoting personal development books.
He’s raised three kids. He’s showing up for real life.
And honestly, nothing grows you like parenting or partnership.

He doesn’t use the language of healing, but he embodies it through integrity, honesty, and consistency.
And being with someone who’s a great communicator? That’s amazing, and also confronting. Because when you’ve spent most of your life people-pleasing, being with someone who values honesty forces you to find your voice. That at times, was so scary for me.

The Magic of Real Love

When we got married, we had the most beautiful day surrounded by our closest friends.
So many people told us how much they love our relationship.
One of my single girlfriends came up to me and said, “Watching you two get married gave me hope.”
Another said, “Seeing you together made me realise I deserve the whole fucking bakery, not just breadcrumbs.”

That one really landed.

Because I remember when I was settling for crumbs and convincing myself it was cake.
And now, I can honestly say I am proud of this love.
Not because it’s perfect, but because it’s real.
It’s honest.
It’s safe.
And it’s the result of two people meeting themselves and each other over and over again.

Keep Going

If you’re in the thick of it, doing the work, saying no to what isn’t right, wondering if it’s ever going to happen, keep going.

Back on the 9th of July 2023, I wrote a note in my Co–Star app that said:
“You will meet him honey, and it will be the greatest love you’ve ever known, with the most magnificent man you’ve ever met. He’s coming. Hold the vision.”

Less than a month later, on August 7th, I met him.
I was 39.
And still doing the work.

Every no I’d said before him brought me closer to this yes.

Because love isn’t the reward for your healing.
It’s the container that invites you to keep growing.
And the right relationship doesn’t complete you, it expands you.